can we see love now?

I always joke that as I am in school for social work, I am also a perfect case study.

This summer, I have decided I am thankful for it. It's been a powerful, pivotal thing to look at this life from an inside view. I was blessed to come from a loving home with both parents raising us, a dad who loved our mother and provided financially, spiritually and physically for his family. A mother who was home with us, devoting her life to our wellbeing. 

I am also fortunate enough to have friends who were raised in the same environments so my friends are also an incredible support to me in my circumstances, because they are also people who have the resources to keep their heads above water. 

And on top of that- I have been blessed with an amazing church family; people who genuinely love us; people I know I could pick up the phone and ask anything of and they would he thrilled to show us love however I needed it.

I may currently have a disposition to poverty and stress but I have every resource available to conquer this, triumph, succeed... and I will. 

I am constantly reminded of the people everywhere, that don't have my luck, they don't have my resources, that weren't raised with my moral background or ethical principles. I can't imagine. It's hard enough for me; but take away my family, friends, and church: I'm totally screwed. Without those resources for support- I would be completely and utterly screwed. And there are so many people out there that are in that position; completely screwed by their circumstances. 

Because of my family, church and friends I will not be. Notice that I didn't say because of God I will survive, prevail and prosper? Notice I didn't just simply say God?

It is true... God is the reason I have the resources I do- He put me here, God is the reason I am so blessed. BUT IT IS THE PEOPLE HE BLESSED ME WITH THAT DO THE WORK. 

It is the people. It's you. It's me. We are God's workmanship.

A verse that inspired me when I concluded a divorce from an abusive man, than proceeded to take my wounds far from healing and get pregnant, becoming a single mother of two was:
2 Kings 20:5 The LORD GOD says, "I have heard your prayer. I have seen your tears. See, I will heal you." 

Yes!! Phew! God is going to heal me! I will not feel this broken, sad and confused forever. HE IS GOING TO HEAL ME!

I was fortunate enough (because of my resources) to take a vacation with my closet friends. During this time two things happened:

1. My friend Luke talked about how we, as a group of Christian friends, spending the weekend in fellowship together is exactly what God meant by church. That any gathering of Christians can be church.
It was perfect- I completely embraced it, and looked at everything that happened for the next 48 hours a church service of healing and love. I went into praise mode, and a time of self reflection, as well as fellowship. Church.
2. I then realized the FRIENDS God put in my life ARE WHAT HE IS USING TO KEEP THAT PROMISE. All of those people made an effort to embrace me, touch me, love me- to nurture me into healing. God was keeping his promise to heal me through them. They were God's workmanship.

After that, through the last couple of weeks, I have been really staying cognitive of the fact that God uses us- people- me- to heal people. That is how God heals. He using our interactions with people to heal them. To heal the single mother divorcee, to heal the alcoholic, to heal the nineteen year old girl that is using drugs and alcohol to cover up wounds, to heal the grandma that just lost her husband, to heal the family that is scared and disconnected because they are new immigrants (not old ones like us), to heal the solider that watched his friend die at war, to heal the child living in a home rid addiction, to heal our family, to heal our friends, to heal.
I think we may have lost sight of the concept that it is the things we do for people that give love and healing to the world. We need to give ourselves permission to bake our neighbors cookies (even if we can tell they drink way too much beer and don't bath their children often), reach out and touch someone with the intent to breathe some healing energy into them (even if their not the type of person we would normally touch), smile kindly and ask someone we don't know how their day is going with a genuine search for a genuine answer (even if they are low on personal hygiene practices and work at Wal-mart), bring a meal to someone who may need it, or just listen to someone's story without an ounce of judgement- how powerful is that? Someone hearing me, and loving me despite my mistakes? It's HEALING!
Since that weekend, I have reached out and touched two strangers while I was in conversation with them. I just touched their arm... because I realized that I can help someone along the path of healing and show them love just by touching their arm. I can love the little hood rats at the park just by taking the time for them, just by not writing them off and teaching them good things they fill their time with.

I can be God's workmanship through a single touch. I can keep his promise for him. Being God's resource for healing through loving interactions? No prob, God. I'm on it. Love it. :-)

forgiving

Hi,

This weekend I took a break from the boys and went camping with the Perfect 4. We ended up randomly staying in Ella, Wi which was weird cause it was close to Ellsworth, where you're living, and so I thought about you a lot.

I really haven't had very much time to think about you up until this weekend. I have been busy raising our son with all of my heart, soul and strength. He is strong and feisty; funny and compassionate. He is a lot like both of us. He is a free spirit to his core. He is wild at heart, but loves to love. He is smart, and he is kind.

This weekend I realized that I have to forgive you. I have to forgive you for everything. I was so afraid that if I didn't constantly remember everything you did, and how bad it was that I would be vulnerable to you or someone like you again someday. But I need to forgive you, and let go. I was gripping so tightly to the bad memories, to the bad side of you, to the lies, to the hurt, to the pain so that it wouldn't happen again- I was living in that place.

I need to forgive you for our son. I need to forgive you so that every time I see something in him that reminds me of you I won't panic, or feel resentment. I need to forgive you so that I can love your son with a pure heart.

I forgive you.

I am going to try to remember the things that I hope our son can inherit from you like your sense of humor, and adventurous spirit, your love of nature, and passion for music.

I am going to let go of all the rest, and live in this place.

In peace,

Tausha

idleness

At the end of my divorce, last July, I sensed that stability was right around the corner. It made my heart flutter. I felt as though my life could finally find some sort of balance, I would at last feel centered, grounded, calm. I longed for a moment without fear of the unknown.

As my divorce concluded, I could almost see a path before me, at last, instead of a mountain.

I can’t tell you how I ended up in the moment that changed that path back into a mountain. I have traced my steps psychologically, physically, emotionally, spiritually- and I somehow, beyond all reason, made a decision that changed it all. That unexplainable moment brought us Miles.

I’d been begging life to grant me calm water, when life said yes; I apparently jumped out of the boat and decided to swim instead. The clear path was gone...

Pregnancy is a time of unknown. Nine months of wondering and waiting. At the beginning of my pregnancy with Miles I didn’t think it was possible to muster up any more courage, any more love, any more energy for the baby growing inside of me. It seemed impossible. I cried desperate tears to God “I don’t have anything left! There’s not a thing left to give! I’m so tired in life! I was barely hanging on…”

But little Miles asked nothing of me for nine months. He just grew quietly and peacefully. His spirit was very calming. With his soul inside of me, I couldn’t stress about anything. I never worried. I didn’t have anxiety. His aura is like a warm bath.

And now that he’s here, he remains that way: calm, peaceful, relaxed, happy, and easy.

Tonight, I cried when I realized: I am finally back to that moment: I feel as though my life is about to find some balance. All the what-ifs are answered. There is a chance for calm again. I can find my peace.
I… almost… see… a… path… Another mountain is behind me.

My sons' names are fitting tonight, as I reflect upon the last two years:
Everest has been by my side climbing all of the mountains with me. He has thrown me a rope a thousand times.
Miles came right when I needed to see a long stretch of path, and kept me calm and magically peaceful until I could see for miles again.

I am thankful. I am present. I am hoping, just for a moment, there isn’t a change in sight. I had been stuck on an emotional merry-go-round for two and half years, and I think it’s about to stop.
Idleness at last.

Exhale

Then the snow started falling.

This Minnesota sky was holding it's breathe for as long as it could, finally it released the white exhale we've all been waiting for.

I am exhaling tonight with it. I've been holding my breathe too.

It's a funny thing, holding your breathe.

It's the only way stay in the moment, to stay undistracted, to stay strong. But you can't dream. You can't allow yourself to dream. Dreams live in the exhales.

So, tonight- I dream as the snow covers the ground.

I dream that there is a man to come beside me, love me, inspire me, enchant me, and be a comfort to me.

I dream I will be able to be vulnerable, to trust, to let go, to submit to love.

I dream of traveling with my children, so that they will know more than the culture they live in. So that they will see the beauty of others much different than themselves at a young age.

I dream of adopting a child with Down Syndrome.

I dream of this pair of mustard yellow pumas that don't exsist. :-)

I dream of a small house on lake, and falling asleep to the sound of frogs and crickets.

I dream that I will be able to change people's lives through my work, and I will be challenged and proud.

I dream that someday I will be an amazing cook.

I dream that Everest will play the guitar.

I dream that I will grow my own cucumbers and tomatoes.

I dream that I will be encouraging and loving to people who cross my path, and that I will be given the oppurtunity to show people kindness and give them stregnth.

dead lake lessons

We grew up on Dead Lake. We actually grew up IN Dead Lake. That water took part in nurturing us into the woman we are today. This time of year feels a certain way to me because of that lake...

Every year on Labor Day Weekend the resorts would close up for the season. They would pull all the docks unto shore, lock up all the cabins, secure all the boats and all of a sudden it was silent. My dock, the dock I dreamed on, would be pulled into a camp site sitting at a 45 degree angle with the highest part staring out unto the lake. I can remember the evolution of fall starting with that, and eventually the crunching of leaves as I walked to the dock, and then soon it getting too cold with the wind coming off the water for it to be a comforting place.

It was time to say goodbye to the sun and water when you walked to the resort and found everything silent and dead. And although my feet could no longer dangle into the warm water because my dock had been winterized- I could lay at that 45 degree angle and listen to the wind and watch the leaves fall from the trees one by one. It was time to be alone, and have the whole world to yourself and think. It was time for a cool breeze with that perfect smell of dying leaves. It was time for change.

It's ironic to me now that the big, hard, tough things,the most painful struggles that I have been though have all happened right around this time of year. My uncle Wade died on August 28th, my husband left me on September 12th, and this year I am in a struggle. But I have always known this feeling, in this season. Come September, no matter how hard life may be- when I smell that breeze I am fine, there is peace in the silence and I have no struggle to be present. The brisk fall air is cleansing to my soul. When the noise of summer of fades, and all that's left is red and orange- I feel completely centered even if my world is spinning.

This too shall pass. It always does. I am glad it's September. I am ready for that breeze...

ewgrossville

It has been 8.5 months since I have been separated from my husband. I wanted to use an adjective for him just now... but there is never an adjective that does him any justice. It's too complicated for words. Complicated... there's an adjective. Psycho, that's one too. Still- no justice.

I keep waiting for my brain to click into single mode. I keep waiting to want a man in my life. Every night I go to bed relieved that I made it another day completely satisfied alone. 

More than satisfied even, relieved to be alone. 

I have met quite a few woman in my circumstances, and our stories are always somewhat similar until we get to one detail: they are all longing for a man in their lives. They are all looking. They all want to be with someone again, to find love. I don't. At all. I get a knot in my stomach when I think about being in a relationship. I literally get nauseous. It gets worse- when I am talking to my married friends, and hear stories of married life, good or bad, I think "I am so glad I am not married anymore" every time. I call this place I am in mentally Ewgrossville. The thought of a relationship, the thought of sex, and the thought of love all make my body, soul, and mind say "ew gross..."

 

But I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Why I am not the woman going through a divorce that has these desires for love? Why I am so happy to be alone? Because I am traumatized? 

Here's what I have come up with:

1. I don't trust myself. I am going to say it bluntly: If I could walk down the aisle to someone like him, and stay with him through everything he did. I am not trustworthy to pick a suitable mate for Everest and myself. I am terrified that I will wind up with another him.

2. My best friends mom went through a divorce from a domestically abusive man, and one night we shared some tears. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Tausha, you gave up all your power once, don't ever, ever, ever give up your power again." This demand has haunted me, because I know how easily I can give up my power. I am such an effing sadist.

3. I have a STRONG personality. I am not a sweet, subtle, supportive woman. I am blunt, brash, and loud. I sat and thought about woman in this world with my personality type... I tried to find one of us that I think is in a good marriage. I have got nothing. My personality sucks at marriage, because we don't attract the nice, gentlemen. We attract the lions in sheep's clothing. And we are forever their shepards/chew toys. My personality is a great single mom though.... just saying.

4. How the heck does anyone propose that I actually, actually, actually find a way to let my guard down, open myself up and trust another man in my life again? Come on now... I'll wait for your answer. Nothing? Exactly. AND he would have to get past me to even get close to Everest, and that will be like a Lord of the Rings- takes 3 movies to show this journey-situation. And I hate those movies.

5. There was a point in my marriage that I said "Oh shit... what have I done to my life?" And then he left me and I got a second chance. I am so traumatized by the "oh shit..." moment that I am just going to keep this 2nd chance simple. Alone.

So, am I destined to be alone forever? People try to tell me this is just a phase I am in, but I don't think so. My heart is completely closed down for the love/marriage business and I am safe now. I love Ewgrossville. I am going to buy a house here. :-)

operation: kind-hearted-mountain-man

Before I was a mom:
Everything was an experience and an adventure. I had an agenda, and it was be enlightened. Meeting new people and learning from their lives was energy for my soul. It was and always will be interesting to me how we become the people we are. Nurture vs. Nature if you will. I fed off of other people's experiences, theories, and stories as an education and for adventure. I moved 37 times in 9 years, and I lived with, worked with, partied with, danced with, ate with, worshipped with, talked with so many souls. All of which had a story, had pain, had joy, were lost, were questioning, were trying their darnedest or had given up, all were inspiring and helped me answer my own questions; and all were part of my adventure.

The transition into motherhood has been beautiful, but my adventure has in a lot of ways ceased, because my life is dedicated to Everest's adventure now. And I am still trying to find a middle ground between my adventure and his. As parents we have ideas of what our children will become, and even further what we hope for them to become. And my dream of Everest is that he will become one of the people that I would have met in my adventure days that would have enlightened me, and inspired me. I want him to be a traveler, I want him to be humble, giving and kind. I hope he is confident, and secure. But I also hope he questions everything, and seeks to be enlightened by love and people. I want him to climb a mountain, and back pack through Iceland and meet amazing people, and drink weird beer. I pray he knows God's love in a real and convicting way.

As soon as I become pregnant, my adventure was over. I felt like I had to take what I learned, find a conclusion and focus on Everest's adventure instead. And that's what I have done. The free bird I was became a home body. The most enlightening people in my life are other Christian moms, other single moms, and my parents. I have grown roots in these people. And I am inspired by them. And I am learning from these people that THIS is what parenting is: dedicating your adventure to shaping who your child becomes, how they see the world, how they love people, and teaching them how to seek God in their lives.

Sometimes I long for adventure, sometimes my new life feels mundane and commonplace but I am going to raise a kind-hearted mountain man, Lord willing and the creek don't rise. :-)