ewgrossville

It has been 8.5 months since I have been separated from my husband. I wanted to use an adjective for him just now... but there is never an adjective that does him any justice. It's too complicated for words. Complicated... there's an adjective. Psycho, that's one too. Still- no justice.

I keep waiting for my brain to click into single mode. I keep waiting to want a man in my life. Every night I go to bed relieved that I made it another day completely satisfied alone. 

More than satisfied even, relieved to be alone. 

I have met quite a few woman in my circumstances, and our stories are always somewhat similar until we get to one detail: they are all longing for a man in their lives. They are all looking. They all want to be with someone again, to find love. I don't. At all. I get a knot in my stomach when I think about being in a relationship. I literally get nauseous. It gets worse- when I am talking to my married friends, and hear stories of married life, good or bad, I think "I am so glad I am not married anymore" every time. I call this place I am in mentally Ewgrossville. The thought of a relationship, the thought of sex, and the thought of love all make my body, soul, and mind say "ew gross..."

 

But I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Why I am not the woman going through a divorce that has these desires for love? Why I am so happy to be alone? Because I am traumatized? 

Here's what I have come up with:

1. I don't trust myself. I am going to say it bluntly: If I could walk down the aisle to someone like him, and stay with him through everything he did. I am not trustworthy to pick a suitable mate for Everest and myself. I am terrified that I will wind up with another him.

2. My best friends mom went through a divorce from a domestically abusive man, and one night we shared some tears. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Tausha, you gave up all your power once, don't ever, ever, ever give up your power again." This demand has haunted me, because I know how easily I can give up my power. I am such an effing sadist.

3. I have a STRONG personality. I am not a sweet, subtle, supportive woman. I am blunt, brash, and loud. I sat and thought about woman in this world with my personality type... I tried to find one of us that I think is in a good marriage. I have got nothing. My personality sucks at marriage, because we don't attract the nice, gentlemen. We attract the lions in sheep's clothing. And we are forever their shepards/chew toys. My personality is a great single mom though.... just saying.

4. How the heck does anyone propose that I actually, actually, actually find a way to let my guard down, open myself up and trust another man in my life again? Come on now... I'll wait for your answer. Nothing? Exactly. AND he would have to get past me to even get close to Everest, and that will be like a Lord of the Rings- takes 3 movies to show this journey-situation. And I hate those movies.

5. There was a point in my marriage that I said "Oh shit... what have I done to my life?" And then he left me and I got a second chance. I am so traumatized by the "oh shit..." moment that I am just going to keep this 2nd chance simple. Alone.

So, am I destined to be alone forever? People try to tell me this is just a phase I am in, but I don't think so. My heart is completely closed down for the love/marriage business and I am safe now. I love Ewgrossville. I am going to buy a house here. :-)