Exhale

Then the snow started falling.

This Minnesota sky was holding it's breathe for as long as it could, finally it released the white exhale we've all been waiting for.

I am exhaling tonight with it. I've been holding my breathe too.

It's a funny thing, holding your breathe.

It's the only way stay in the moment, to stay undistracted, to stay strong. But you can't dream. You can't allow yourself to dream. Dreams live in the exhales.

So, tonight- I dream as the snow covers the ground.

I dream that there is a man to come beside me, love me, inspire me, enchant me, and be a comfort to me.

I dream I will be able to be vulnerable, to trust, to let go, to submit to love.

I dream of traveling with my children, so that they will know more than the culture they live in. So that they will see the beauty of others much different than themselves at a young age.

I dream of adopting a child with Down Syndrome.

I dream of this pair of mustard yellow pumas that don't exsist. :-)

I dream of a small house on lake, and falling asleep to the sound of frogs and crickets.

I dream that I will be able to change people's lives through my work, and I will be challenged and proud.

I dream that someday I will be an amazing cook.

I dream that Everest will play the guitar.

I dream that I will grow my own cucumbers and tomatoes.

I dream that I will be encouraging and loving to people who cross my path, and that I will be given the oppurtunity to show people kindness and give them stregnth.

dead lake lessons

We grew up on Dead Lake. We actually grew up IN Dead Lake. That water took part in nurturing us into the woman we are today. This time of year feels a certain way to me because of that lake...

Every year on Labor Day Weekend the resorts would close up for the season. They would pull all the docks unto shore, lock up all the cabins, secure all the boats and all of a sudden it was silent. My dock, the dock I dreamed on, would be pulled into a camp site sitting at a 45 degree angle with the highest part staring out unto the lake. I can remember the evolution of fall starting with that, and eventually the crunching of leaves as I walked to the dock, and then soon it getting too cold with the wind coming off the water for it to be a comforting place.

It was time to say goodbye to the sun and water when you walked to the resort and found everything silent and dead. And although my feet could no longer dangle into the warm water because my dock had been winterized- I could lay at that 45 degree angle and listen to the wind and watch the leaves fall from the trees one by one. It was time to be alone, and have the whole world to yourself and think. It was time for a cool breeze with that perfect smell of dying leaves. It was time for change.

It's ironic to me now that the big, hard, tough things,the most painful struggles that I have been though have all happened right around this time of year. My uncle Wade died on August 28th, my husband left me on September 12th, and this year I am in a struggle. But I have always known this feeling, in this season. Come September, no matter how hard life may be- when I smell that breeze I am fine, there is peace in the silence and I have no struggle to be present. The brisk fall air is cleansing to my soul. When the noise of summer of fades, and all that's left is red and orange- I feel completely centered even if my world is spinning.

This too shall pass. It always does. I am glad it's September. I am ready for that breeze...

ewgrossville

It has been 8.5 months since I have been separated from my husband. I wanted to use an adjective for him just now... but there is never an adjective that does him any justice. It's too complicated for words. Complicated... there's an adjective. Psycho, that's one too. Still- no justice.

I keep waiting for my brain to click into single mode. I keep waiting to want a man in my life. Every night I go to bed relieved that I made it another day completely satisfied alone. 

More than satisfied even, relieved to be alone. 

I have met quite a few woman in my circumstances, and our stories are always somewhat similar until we get to one detail: they are all longing for a man in their lives. They are all looking. They all want to be with someone again, to find love. I don't. At all. I get a knot in my stomach when I think about being in a relationship. I literally get nauseous. It gets worse- when I am talking to my married friends, and hear stories of married life, good or bad, I think "I am so glad I am not married anymore" every time. I call this place I am in mentally Ewgrossville. The thought of a relationship, the thought of sex, and the thought of love all make my body, soul, and mind say "ew gross..."

 

But I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Why I am not the woman going through a divorce that has these desires for love? Why I am so happy to be alone? Because I am traumatized? 

Here's what I have come up with:

1. I don't trust myself. I am going to say it bluntly: If I could walk down the aisle to someone like him, and stay with him through everything he did. I am not trustworthy to pick a suitable mate for Everest and myself. I am terrified that I will wind up with another him.

2. My best friends mom went through a divorce from a domestically abusive man, and one night we shared some tears. She looked me straight in the eye and said "Tausha, you gave up all your power once, don't ever, ever, ever give up your power again." This demand has haunted me, because I know how easily I can give up my power. I am such an effing sadist.

3. I have a STRONG personality. I am not a sweet, subtle, supportive woman. I am blunt, brash, and loud. I sat and thought about woman in this world with my personality type... I tried to find one of us that I think is in a good marriage. I have got nothing. My personality sucks at marriage, because we don't attract the nice, gentlemen. We attract the lions in sheep's clothing. And we are forever their shepards/chew toys. My personality is a great single mom though.... just saying.

4. How the heck does anyone propose that I actually, actually, actually find a way to let my guard down, open myself up and trust another man in my life again? Come on now... I'll wait for your answer. Nothing? Exactly. AND he would have to get past me to even get close to Everest, and that will be like a Lord of the Rings- takes 3 movies to show this journey-situation. And I hate those movies.

5. There was a point in my marriage that I said "Oh shit... what have I done to my life?" And then he left me and I got a second chance. I am so traumatized by the "oh shit..." moment that I am just going to keep this 2nd chance simple. Alone.

So, am I destined to be alone forever? People try to tell me this is just a phase I am in, but I don't think so. My heart is completely closed down for the love/marriage business and I am safe now. I love Ewgrossville. I am going to buy a house here. :-)

operation: kind-hearted-mountain-man

Before I was a mom:
Everything was an experience and an adventure. I had an agenda, and it was be enlightened. Meeting new people and learning from their lives was energy for my soul. It was and always will be interesting to me how we become the people we are. Nurture vs. Nature if you will. I fed off of other people's experiences, theories, and stories as an education and for adventure. I moved 37 times in 9 years, and I lived with, worked with, partied with, danced with, ate with, worshipped with, talked with so many souls. All of which had a story, had pain, had joy, were lost, were questioning, were trying their darnedest or had given up, all were inspiring and helped me answer my own questions; and all were part of my adventure.

The transition into motherhood has been beautiful, but my adventure has in a lot of ways ceased, because my life is dedicated to Everest's adventure now. And I am still trying to find a middle ground between my adventure and his. As parents we have ideas of what our children will become, and even further what we hope for them to become. And my dream of Everest is that he will become one of the people that I would have met in my adventure days that would have enlightened me, and inspired me. I want him to be a traveler, I want him to be humble, giving and kind. I hope he is confident, and secure. But I also hope he questions everything, and seeks to be enlightened by love and people. I want him to climb a mountain, and back pack through Iceland and meet amazing people, and drink weird beer. I pray he knows God's love in a real and convicting way.

As soon as I become pregnant, my adventure was over. I felt like I had to take what I learned, find a conclusion and focus on Everest's adventure instead. And that's what I have done. The free bird I was became a home body. The most enlightening people in my life are other Christian moms, other single moms, and my parents. I have grown roots in these people. And I am inspired by them. And I am learning from these people that THIS is what parenting is: dedicating your adventure to shaping who your child becomes, how they see the world, how they love people, and teaching them how to seek God in their lives.

Sometimes I long for adventure, sometimes my new life feels mundane and commonplace but I am going to raise a kind-hearted mountain man, Lord willing and the creek don't rise. :-)

things i do sometimes

Sometimes I would rather have tons of time without the baby, instead of any sleep.

Sometimes I would rather decorate my house than clean it. Cleaning doesn't make me as happy.

Sometimes I make important decisions based on what someone else thinks or wants, and then regret it.

Sometimes I eavesdrop on peoples conversations and think I am cooler than them.

Sometimes I can't believe my friends are my friends because I think they are cooler than me.

Sometimes I want to stop living a typical life and move with Everest to Thailand to work in an orphanage.

Sometimes I know my life will be beautiful. Sometimes I think I am always going to struggle.

Sometimes I am lazy, and I love it.

Sometimes I miss getting stoned and walking around in the woods with the Beaufeauxs.

the what and the why

I have been craving a creative outlet, I have been hungry for some sort of cathartic activity. A friend mentioned that if I had a blog- she would read it. "What would I write?" I wondered.

Then I realized:

I am currently divorcing a sociopath who left me for his addictions and girl named Amy. Probably have some things to say about that.

I just had weight loss surgery, and have been fat my whole life- and enjoyed it for the most part... this transition might have some consequential words to share.

I am a single mom, and my kid is crazy and wonderful- so theres that.

I live in a small town, 6 blocks from my parents- and I need to publicly make fun of myself, because thats my favorite coping mechanism. My parents dog runs away to my house... you feel me?

So- I am blogging. :-)

The end of the dock: I grew up on a lake, there were never moments more relaxing, peaceful, inspiring, cathartic, beautiful, or good than the warm nights I spent with my feet in the still water, staring at the reflection of the moon on the water at the end of the dock. Those were the times in my life when I knew who I was, I knew who God was, and I didn't worry. Instead I hoped, and I dreamed at the end of the dock.

Hope is everything, I need to get to the end of the dock...