idleness

At the end of my divorce, last July, I sensed that stability was right around the corner. It made my heart flutter. I felt as though my life could finally find some sort of balance, I would at last feel centered, grounded, calm. I longed for a moment without fear of the unknown.

As my divorce concluded, I could almost see a path before me, at last, instead of a mountain.

I can’t tell you how I ended up in the moment that changed that path back into a mountain. I have traced my steps psychologically, physically, emotionally, spiritually- and I somehow, beyond all reason, made a decision that changed it all. That unexplainable moment brought us Miles.

I’d been begging life to grant me calm water, when life said yes; I apparently jumped out of the boat and decided to swim instead. The clear path was gone...

Pregnancy is a time of unknown. Nine months of wondering and waiting. At the beginning of my pregnancy with Miles I didn’t think it was possible to muster up any more courage, any more love, any more energy for the baby growing inside of me. It seemed impossible. I cried desperate tears to God “I don’t have anything left! There’s not a thing left to give! I’m so tired in life! I was barely hanging on…”

But little Miles asked nothing of me for nine months. He just grew quietly and peacefully. His spirit was very calming. With his soul inside of me, I couldn’t stress about anything. I never worried. I didn’t have anxiety. His aura is like a warm bath.

And now that he’s here, he remains that way: calm, peaceful, relaxed, happy, and easy.

Tonight, I cried when I realized: I am finally back to that moment: I feel as though my life is about to find some balance. All the what-ifs are answered. There is a chance for calm again. I can find my peace.
I… almost… see… a… path… Another mountain is behind me.

My sons' names are fitting tonight, as I reflect upon the last two years:
Everest has been by my side climbing all of the mountains with me. He has thrown me a rope a thousand times.
Miles came right when I needed to see a long stretch of path, and kept me calm and magically peaceful until I could see for miles again.

I am thankful. I am present. I am hoping, just for a moment, there isn’t a change in sight. I had been stuck on an emotional merry-go-round for two and half years, and I think it’s about to stop.
Idleness at last.